albeit being too busy and preoccupied with work that i’ve not done anything that means a lot to myself. for the past 6 months. wow. 6 months already. and i’ve been confirmed at the media company i’m working in now.

i admit i’m not earning shit loads of money like some banking and finance friends. and i ultimately envy my friends in the maritime industry. but hey. the work is challenging. and i’m learning a lot~!

and the fact that the love life feels like its in a sinking boat. with money becoming an issue now. the question that begs to be answered will be… was there love in the first place? or was i being naive yet again?
and health is not at its peak.

i still do my night runs.

and i need to read more books.

Ng Ah Hock

My best bet for that old man’s name. Seriously, he is a disabled old man, very skinny and lives by himself. Anyway, that’s not really important.

How I got to know him? From Arts Central, yeah that new arts channel from Channel 12… That’s not important either.

Ah Hock, amazingly enough (not to mention inspiring) lived all those while, being able to support himself, without getting much financial help by people (I think). I saw the short video near the ending where he fainted after returning home from selling parking coupons… That’s not important either. He managed to regain consciousness, called for help from a person, I assume he is the chairperson of some charitable organisation… Oh… Why him you ask? I didn’t mentioned he (Ah Hock) is a generous person did I? He gave away thousands a year to any charity probably through this guy who came to his aid the moment he was called. Anyway that’s not really important.

There’s another side to that show, like I said, I only watched it near the ending. Its about a group of teenagers who obviously loves to simply waste their lives away. Smoking. Its a disease seriously. You start it, it justs makes you sicker by the day. Sure you look fine when you smoke. You don’t actually get to see where the damage is done. But look at what a day of a single haze can do to so many Singaporeans, and haze mainly contains smoke. The effect is in that one day, its like when a person starts to some. Cough, sneeze, the effect of irritants in your throat. Just like smoking. After a few days, you’d fall sick. Some people may not be able to tolerate the irritants and can die from it. Loved ones could die this way too. If you smoke, your loved ones would die. Its just a matter of time. But that’s not important.

These kids, they spend so much money to have fun in the arcades. No harm done.

The boys would leave the girls behind after the game. Told you girls… Mum always said not to go around with bad boys. Still no harm done right?

So they, the boys went to have a little male bonding. By vandalising people’s cars. Probably some rich bastards deserves to have their car spray painted. Both tried to run when the owner came by. One escaped. The other? Got his fingers broken when the owner slams his used-to-be-white car’s door on the vandal’s fingers. The other kid (probably 19 or 20) ran leaving his accomplice to suffer by himself. Ouch. Still the leader of the bunch of teens thought he could get away with what he did. Guess not.

Still that’s not important.

One morning you wake up, you realize its a harsh world. you realized that people don’t bother much about the disabled people. You realized its hard to survive in this harsh world without fighting, fighting for your survival that is. That morning you wake up. Its just another day. I need to get dressed. I need to sell these coupons, these lottery tickets. Some people would be happy by playing these games of luck. Win big, many of them hope. I pray I have good luck today. I want to sell as much as i could. I need to get on my wheelchair, I need to open the door. Haiz. Its a real tough job. Getting the door to open. Its tougher getting around to reach a nice spot to sell. Its another day Ah Hock thinks.

That, that wasn’t important now was it?

Doorbell rings. You wake up. What’s the matter with people today? Can’t they let me sleep? I am tired. I am sick and tired of these things.

Doorbell rings. Allright! I know you’re out there. Serves you right. Only 10am and you start knocking on my door. Wait a while longer for all i care. Will not bother too much about you. Gimme 5 more minutes to sleep.

Doorbell rings. You woke up. What’s the matter with… Police?!?!

Ha? What happened? Get dressed? Go to the station with you? (Don’t ask so much questions. We’re here to arrest you. You are being charged for…)

Vandalism? What did I do? I am involved? Don’t bullshit. I never did it! How can you arrest me? (You forgot your injured friend obviously. His fingers got broken after the encounter with the car’s owner.) Serves him right what! Who told him to vandalize. Its his ideas what! (So you do know its his idea. Also 2 spray cans were found. One has his fingerprints and the other leads us to you. Makes our job easier. If the print on the other doesn’t match, we will apologise and let you go. Till then, you are a suspect.)

You wake up.

Ma, I am sorry.

How? Why? What did my son do? Why are you taking him away? How can my son do such things? (He is your son? And you have no idea what he has been doing all these while? How? Why? What kind of mother are you? Why did you let your son go astray? How did you raise your son?)

Still, its not important, is it not?

Your Son

Ah Hock was someone’s son before. She probably passed on. She probably raised him the best way she could. Maybe not. She may have forgotten about the husband she wedded, so she can give Ah Hock the best that mother’s love can give. Maybe not. He managed to lead a decent life. He was born with that disability. Maybe. But surely, he grew up with that disability. But surely someone or something have shown him how to survive. His mum? Maybe. Maybe not. It could have been his elder sister all these while, she probably died without any children of her own. Or a husband.

Maybe. Maybe not.

This isn’t important either.

(He is your son isn’t he?)

Yes he is.

(You did not know he vandalized this man’s car, did you?)

No, but he is just a boy. How can you do this to a boy?

(Ma’am, he is no longer a boy. He is a young adult. Capable of thought and actions.)

She fed him when he was a boy. She changed his dirty diapers as a baby. Sent him to school. She probably gave him as much allowance as she probably could. Probably, gave him as much allowance as she probably could. Probably. Maybe she was hardly at home. Maybe the father is a drunk. Wifebeater. Childbeater. No one for the young fella to look up to as a role model. Maybe. Does he have a sibling?

(Do you know the kind of people he hangs around with?)

No I don’t.

(Crying is too late for him now.)

Now this too, is unimportant.

Ah Hock is an old man. That fella is just a boy trying to be a man.

Ah Hock recieved a Guiness Medal of some sort. To honour his contributions to several charities. He put away what he could so he could help others.

That fella. He got detained. Coincidentally on Ah Hock’s death day. Probably fined. Maybe he’d get caning. Who knows, imprisonment. Or community service. We hope he’ll be a changed person.

That medal was in 1994 (or was it 1999?) But he died this year. That’s nothing great to this yet. We did not actually know what happened to that fella.

Ah Hock passed away on 15th feb 2000.

I felt something after knowing that, as I turned 18 that day.

Still nothing great. Nothing important.

This i wrote that night
~ | ~

once again i felt, a feeling
deep inside which i thought,
was lost beyond and gone.
that feeling i know, i felt before.
(on 4th oct that wee morning)

was it the love of the story?
was it the love in my life?
was it that feeling i feared was lost,
forever?

i wanted to cry, i wanted to let go.
there were thing i felt tonite
things i knew & felt was right.
it wasn’t sadness that was deep in me.

it wasn’t fear that i cry
but a knowing, a knowing
that i have this feeling
that burns deep inside.

i have once cherished what i felt
i have once felt,
why i desire, the moment i fear
may be lost forever.

once again dear self,
i let you feel this feeling.
its a feeling of longing
a feeling to be free

your eyes are burning with tears
its not sadness, i know
its love for that someone you cared
its belief that all live is shared.

dear self i know this is true.
that feeling is cold, it burns.
it may burn right through you
all i see is myself, all i see is you.

life is life everlasting
remember this feeling
don’t let it burn right through you.

Having wrote this much, what am I going on about? I’m 24, about to graduate, currently experiencing what could be my future career, whilst wondering if I’m able to secure other more promising/rewarding options. At the same time, I’m drawing as much lessons as possible from the experience of others to make the most suitable decision (i don’t think this is a black/white matter).

as i read his entry, it dawned unto me that i am missing out something. or rather. i misplaced something. i am turning 24 in a month’s time. and i’ve yet to secure a job. worse, i have no idea where i am heading to, which explains why i’ve not secured a job.

as much as i wanted to, i have to admit the number of companies i’ve sent out my resume are small. to the extent that it is almost… nil. so much for trying my best. and it has already been more than a month that i do not have any mode of income streaming in. i’ve planned to get myself working on my resume, but as of the moment, my resumes are still the same as the last one i’ve done up in december 2005. i guess i am lacking something hence the lack of any positive replies on my resumes. guess its back to the drawing board? perhaps. first real post in 2006 and i’m already whining.

way to go.

:: edited :: on another note however, moss called me up to see how i was doing. and he reminded me that he might be able to offer me some help in getting a job. however i’m missing some important skills.

microsoft office skills. as much as i’d like to think i’m pretty good at it, in all honesty, i just suck. i can use word and excel on most stuffs. but i really need to work on learning MS Access. yeah, that database creation software. i feel so duh.

so i decide that i ought to go down to the local library nearby and pick myself a book on access, something i can pick up and learn fast. oh well. here goes~!